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armanya Yeah, I totally meant to post this for Bi Visibility Day. Which was 2 weeks ago. But ability to brain was needed, and I have not had so much of that lately. So, hopefully this will make some sense? Because I really think the subject of bi visibility (or, indeed, the visibility of any and all sexualities, but we're talking bi here, so) is an important one. And I wish that it had been a thing I encountered growing up.
I'm going to be honest here, I have, as I'm sure many people who have talked to me about sexuality know, always been loathe to wear the bi label. It never felt like it completely fit, and more than that, I was told by other people that it didn't fit (my out bi friend, at 19, when I tried to come out to her). But then I found this website during bi visibility day and hey, according to this list, the label totally fits me. So you know what? I'm going to wear this label now, and I'm going to hold my head high while I do so.
But I really do want to talk about the visibility for sexualities beyond straight and gay. Because while I know without a doubt that I was reasonably young by the time I felt confusion about the fit of "straight" or "gay", I was 16 by the time I found out that there are other labels. I think this is probably less of an issue these days because of the access to information online that most youth have now. But I think the visibility remains an issue as far as having a visible place to go for information and for people to identify with growing up as bi. Like I said, I really wish it had been something I was exposed to.
As mentioned, at 19, my bi friend told me I definitely wasn't bi. Or, what she actually told me, was that I definitely was straight. I definitely had thought about this enough at that stage to know with 100% certainty that I was NOT straight. Because from an early age, while I am sexually attracted to both men and women, I have more regularly pictured myself spending my future with a woman. I was probably around 11 or 12 when there was a program on TV that showed a lesbian couple with their children and I thought "yes, yes I WANT THAT". Sooo... naturally, at 19, when my bi friend told me I couldn't be bi, I decided that I must be a lesbian (at this stage, I had no clue about the myriad of other labels, or no labels).
I was now a maybe lesbian who had, incidentally, just moved away from home. Lacking support and people I identified with in real life (apart from one gay friend, who later decided that I had "abandoned ship" when I ended up with a boyfriend, after all), I turned to online forums to find a safe haven. We're still at the start of the '00s, so it was a little hard to find a visible community, but I eventually found a home on the web for creative lesbians which... I was happy there, I really was. I created things, I made friends, I ended up in a LDR with a really lovely girl. But I kinda felt like an imposter. Especially when the conversation steered towards how 99% of them would never date a bisexual woman "because they inevitably take the easy way out and want to be with a guy". Which, right here, is why bi visibility is fucking important. Because not only is it important for young people to have a safe place to come to when they're trying on labels for fit, it is also important to get people informed and dispel all these hurtful stereotypes and opinions. So I'm going to try to make my voice heard from now on.
On that note, since I have seen lesbians in my Twitter feed *sadface* rant about how bi women "will always choose men", let me say that I still picture my future with a woman. I know I can have a happy future with another gender, but I am most romantically attracted to women. And if I ever do find that woman of my dreams, I can promise that I won't be letting her go because I "want something easier". I'm pretty sure I can handle difficult, it's not like I have lived a life sheltered from bi-phobia and bullies. And I don't believe there is such a thing as an easy relationship, either. Especially not if it's not a relationship with the person you actually want to spend your life with.
... And I don't want to rant here. If anyone has an interest in discussing it, drop me a comment or a message. Instead, I'm going to say a belated thank you to all my fellow bi fanpeople who made their voices heard on actual bi visibility day. You all made me so excited about it that I ended up making waves about my sexuality on Facebook, and coming out to my mom (who still maintains that bisexuality isn't a real thing, so that went well, heh). I resolve that I shall not be silenced on this subject any longer.
I'm going to be honest here, I have, as I'm sure many people who have talked to me about sexuality know, always been loathe to wear the bi label. It never felt like it completely fit, and more than that, I was told by other people that it didn't fit (my out bi friend, at 19, when I tried to come out to her). But then I found this website during bi visibility day and hey, according to this list, the label totally fits me. So you know what? I'm going to wear this label now, and I'm going to hold my head high while I do so.
But I really do want to talk about the visibility for sexualities beyond straight and gay. Because while I know without a doubt that I was reasonably young by the time I felt confusion about the fit of "straight" or "gay", I was 16 by the time I found out that there are other labels. I think this is probably less of an issue these days because of the access to information online that most youth have now. But I think the visibility remains an issue as far as having a visible place to go for information and for people to identify with growing up as bi. Like I said, I really wish it had been something I was exposed to.
As mentioned, at 19, my bi friend told me I definitely wasn't bi. Or, what she actually told me, was that I definitely was straight. I definitely had thought about this enough at that stage to know with 100% certainty that I was NOT straight. Because from an early age, while I am sexually attracted to both men and women, I have more regularly pictured myself spending my future with a woman. I was probably around 11 or 12 when there was a program on TV that showed a lesbian couple with their children and I thought "yes, yes I WANT THAT". Sooo... naturally, at 19, when my bi friend told me I couldn't be bi, I decided that I must be a lesbian (at this stage, I had no clue about the myriad of other labels, or no labels).
I was now a maybe lesbian who had, incidentally, just moved away from home. Lacking support and people I identified with in real life (apart from one gay friend, who later decided that I had "abandoned ship" when I ended up with a boyfriend, after all), I turned to online forums to find a safe haven. We're still at the start of the '00s, so it was a little hard to find a visible community, but I eventually found a home on the web for creative lesbians which... I was happy there, I really was. I created things, I made friends, I ended up in a LDR with a really lovely girl. But I kinda felt like an imposter. Especially when the conversation steered towards how 99% of them would never date a bisexual woman "because they inevitably take the easy way out and want to be with a guy". Which, right here, is why bi visibility is fucking important. Because not only is it important for young people to have a safe place to come to when they're trying on labels for fit, it is also important to get people informed and dispel all these hurtful stereotypes and opinions. So I'm going to try to make my voice heard from now on.
On that note, since I have seen lesbians in my Twitter feed *sadface* rant about how bi women "will always choose men", let me say that I still picture my future with a woman. I know I can have a happy future with another gender, but I am most romantically attracted to women. And if I ever do find that woman of my dreams, I can promise that I won't be letting her go because I "want something easier". I'm pretty sure I can handle difficult, it's not like I have lived a life sheltered from bi-phobia and bullies. And I don't believe there is such a thing as an easy relationship, either. Especially not if it's not a relationship with the person you actually want to spend your life with.
... And I don't want to rant here. If anyone has an interest in discussing it, drop me a comment or a message. Instead, I'm going to say a belated thank you to all my fellow bi fanpeople who made their voices heard on actual bi visibility day. You all made me so excited about it that I ended up making waves about my sexuality on Facebook, and coming out to my mom (who still maintains that bisexuality isn't a real thing, so that went well, heh). I resolve that I shall not be silenced on this subject any longer.
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Date: 2013-10-08 07:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-08 07:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-08 07:34 pm (UTC)And it's like people always forget that it's a matter of statistics that so many bi women seem to end up with men. Because the number of dudes interested in girls is significantly higher than the number of girls who are into girls. Easier to find a half-way decent match, I'd assume. Especially if a chunk of the half-way decently matched girls refuse to date bi girls *facepalm*
But yeah, tumblr (among other things) gives me hope for the young'uns. Go, the internets!
*hugs* I'm glad you felt encouraged enough to speak up, because every voice counts :D
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Date: 2013-10-08 07:40 pm (UTC)Exactly. I was going to launch into a rant about that but decided it would stray too far from my point. But YES. It's also just easier to find men because unless you search out queer safeplaces or whatever, heterosexuality will be assumed, and people of the same (or a non binary) gender are unlikely to express interest. In my experience.
And yes I definitely feel like bi visibility should be every day! Which is why I was determined to post it however long it took to decide what I wanted to say. :3
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Date: 2013-10-09 07:34 am (UTC):DD
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Date: 2013-10-09 01:25 pm (UTC)(It was such a revelation when I found the asexual community and realized, oh hey, husband/house/kids *isn't an inevitability*.)
how bi women "will always choose men"
>:( >:( >:( What pisses me off the most about that is - how can you trust your potential partner that little? Why the fuck should I care how my partner identifies? If they like me, awesome. If we're together I'd assume I trust them enough to trust that they'd be honest about shit like that.
(Incidentally, my ex *was* honest about it. She told me straight-up she wouldn't be able to handle the social pressure of being together with a woman long-term. I'm still not gonna take that and apply it to "anyone who has ever been attracted to men". It's a matter of the individual, not the sexuality.)
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Date: 2013-10-12 05:04 pm (UTC)I know, right? It just makes me sad because I'm one of those people who finds it really important to be open and honest from the get-go and it's frustrating to not even be given a chance to prove them wrong. And then, at the end of the day, any partner may eventually leave you for someone else. Not sure I see why the reason they leave is important...
That's great that your ex was honest. :) I tend to believe that a lot of things can be worked past in relationships as long as both partners are honest about what they want... and if it can't, well, then it's probably better to find someone more compatible, anyway.
World certainly has a long way to go towards being open and inclusive to all sexualities. *sigh*