Another life rant. (Sometimes I am still just a child...)

[armanya]

Yes. I'm sorry that I stick some of these into an otherwise non- real life journal but... this one is about my father and this is pretty much the only place I post stuff where I can ensure he  won't see it. I also have a few people in my friends list here that I really do concider my friends... but I'm not forcing anyone to read this. I really just need to vent. It gets quite personal. If you are not interested or would feel uncomfortable reading personal stuff about me then ignore it. If you want to read you're free to. I don't mind really, it's not like anything I'm about to say is a secret I just think parts might be hurtful to people close to me and this journal is just somewhere my family won't read it. It's a ramble that may not might much sense, I'm not interested in making sense, I just want to vent muchly!

So... here's the thing. I heard from my father again a few days back. He actually decided to send me a nice little email. This mightn't seem strange so if anyone that doesn't know stuff about my life reads this... let me explain the situation. My father left before my first birthday - or well, he cheated on my mum he found out and wasn't interested in trying to patch things up and threw him out. My father remained around for only a couple of months before he declared that he didn't want to "be a weekend dad". I had no contact with my father until I was 14 - there weren't even any photographs of him around. The reuniting was sort of accidental. My mother had got a job in Ireland and we were moving. I did not have a passport. Because she never legally had sole custody of me she needed my father to cosign for one. My mother and sister went ahead to Ireland and left me behind with my Uncle's family. His wife took charge of trying to track down my father, eventually succeeded and... well, left him an answer machine message. And somehow he just happened to be in the neighbourhood for work the next day and stopped by - having basolutely no clue that apart from having the passport papers that needed signing she also had me staying there and... yeah. :)

Meeting my father again is probably the most important moment in my life. I spent almost a whole week together with my father - he just came and picked me up every day and we went on little trips. I found that we have surprisingly much in common... I have always been close to my mum but we have our issues that started to become evident at this time due to having really different personalities... and I sort of found that the things I always felt she couldn't relate to my father could! And it was as you can imagine all sorts of wonderful.

Let me say one thing here - and this is where I shall be very personal for a few sentences. When I was 4 my mother met my stepfather (my little sister's dad)... they moved in together soon after and until I was 7 I HAD a father. For some reason when my little sister was born, he started being abusive towards me (and my mother after a few years - though I'm not sure if he always was and I just never realized until I was a bit older). I spent a lot of nights the next 7 years crying myself to sleep with the strict belief that if my father had been there he wouldn't have let it happen... and generally wishing that he would come and save me. Having no pictures of him, hearing no stories about him, I imagined him to be absolutely perfect... I think this is partly why when I finally met him again everything did actually seem perfect.

Anyway, I moved to Ireland. He promised to keep in touch. He promised to come visit me. I got some letters, I wrote some letters then.... nothing. He sent me a birthday card on my 18th birthday. (no gift, just a card). We wrote fora while. It stopped again. I sort of heard from him maybe once or twice a year. I visited Sweden with a friend when I was 19 and we met up again and... yes, everything was so wonderful. I have this feeling when I talk with him that he is the one person in the world that truly gets me. (And I am really close to my mum, my sister and one or two friends but I never really felt like anyone really understood me...). I still feel like that. I still amn't sure if that is the case or if I just still idolize him due to building him up in my head for so many years.

Prior to this week, I hand't heard from him in almost 4 years. I did write him an email at one stage - I sort of want to keep the contact up. I really do. Every time we talk he tells me how much he misses me. He has written about me in his blog a few times. (Mostly to show off my poetry and generally playing at being proud father.) I am totally alright with giving him a second chance - I know he didn't leave because he didn't want to see me... I mean I've grown up with my mother I know she can be insanely difficult and I really don't know fully what happened between them but my mother pretty much admitted she never wanted to see him again so... yeah. I don't blame him. I want (even need) him in my life AND more importantly, I want him to be around when/if I have children of my own. I think I romantizise it in my head but I sort of feel like when I have children and he gets to be their grandfather... that will sort of make up for his lack of being around when I was a child. Seeing him with my children is... just something I really want to happen. And if I ever should get married I really want him to be there too (though this might be difficult because of how my mother is, I really don't know if she would even show up if I invited him... not joking!).

Anyway, yes, back to the first point after that huge ramble. My father's email was short and sweet. He apologized for not writing for so long, said he had been through a "bad period" (I know he had a house fire and apparently lost his job so this isn't so weird...), he said he missed me, he said he would write me again the following day. My inner little girl was totally excited and wrote him back right away, a similar short note but updating him on my life atm... I was also on my way out but I just wanted to make sure he knew I got the email.

And now... nothing. I check my mail several times a day and just feel... so disappointed. I sort of feel like I'm still the little girl crying herself to sleep who needs her father to protect her. I really do. And every time I stop hearing from him I just feel... I don't even know. Empty?

I know it's only been a few days and maybe something came up. But he has been online cause he has updated his blog so... I just jave this feeling I won't hear from him for ages yet AGAIN. I don't even know if it's worth setting myself up for disappointment every time I hear from him. I don't even know why I keep holding on to the hope that he will finally actually make a real effort at keeping in contact. When we do talk I really feel like he genuinely wants to be part of my life. I just don't understand why he can't follow through.

And apart from disappointment... it just keeps dragging up buried bad memories from my childhood that I would rather never think about again. :/

Mmmm... that's about it. *sigh* I'm gonna go hide underneath the covers with my teddy bear and cry now...

Comments

[ihategohip.livejournal.com]

Let me just say, I sort of know how you feel. My parents got divorced when I was one. When I was three I moved in with my grandparents. It's a long story but basically my grandma hates my dad for being lazy and not paying child support, even though my mom never asked for it. I know there is a lot in between I don't know and kind of wish to keep it that way but my grandma has every right to hate, he never did anything for her or for me.

But I have seen my father through out random times in my life, like I went to my stepsister's wedding and basically had to pretend that I belonged or that I even knew what was going on.

Now days the only time I ever hear from him is on my birthday and Christmas and on those holidays I receive a hundred dollar check. That's about it. Every phone call he tells me that he is going to come to see me when gets time off of work. But seems that time never comes.

So yeah that's some of my story. Guess I am tryin to say that I too get that little girl feeling every time he calls with the promise that we will do something together SOON. And I believe him, because he is my father and I don't because he is my father.

I think you just made me realize how lucky I am to have my grandfather. He is a great man and would do anything for me. *tear*

I remember this conversation I once had with my grandma, when I was little about when I got married who would walk me down the aisle and I said my dad. I could see how much it hurt my grandma to hear me say this and she rightful disagreed saying it would be Frank(my grandpa). At age eight I so wanted her to be wrong, I mean my dad was my dad did he not have the automatic claim to walk me down the aisle?

However, years later I see how right she was.

Now days, I am not even sure that my dad would get an invitation to my wedding for he is such a stranger to me.

Sorry to take up your post, I didn't mean to. Hell I didn't even mean to cry while writing this, but I did that too. :)

Thanks for sharing and letting me share. :) *huggles*

[hear-myself.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to say I did read this, and although I have no advice or wisdom words to make things better, I can send some virtual hugs! <3

[degausseur.livejournal.com]

holy shit. i really wish i could convey how bad i'd like to hug you right now, this is awful. i wonder if everybody has daddy issues. however, your situation is really unique. it seems like your dad tries, he really cares, but he doesn't know how to convey it. perhaps he's like my own father and doesn't know what to do with a daughter-- some men feel awkward and get afraid to be close because they feel as though they don't understand women. some men are just flighty, even as fathers. have you ever laid it out to him? just really written it all out in a brutal way? maybe you should try. tell him that neither of you are getting any younger and you'd like a real, constant relationship. let him know it doesn't need to happen daily but maybe hearing from him once a week would be nice, even every two weeks. let him know that you don't expect anything from him other than feeling like you really, truly have a dad. no matter what happens, i wish you the best because you deserve it-- this seems like a shitty situation all the way around and i can only hope it improves. and hey? never apologize for getting personal. it's nice to know that people have souls. xo

[tearingitdown3.livejournal.com]

I have never been through what you have. My mom can relate. She has never met her biological dad. To her and the rest of my mom's siblings felt that her step-dad was her dad(still does even though he is in heaven now0. He took care of 6 kids that weren't his. To me that is a real dad. Anyway,it sounds like you have a pretty good relationship at times with your dad and at times not. The relationship seems strained. Seems you want more of one then he does. It's my opinion. I really hope things work out for the two of you.

[ashton12.livejournal.com]

I've had a father my whole life, but I can relate to the feelings your having. The feelings of disappointment and abandonment.. completely different situations, but I know how it feels. It's almost like a fork was taken and used to hallow out your entire chest, and then the rigged edges are poked at with every reminder of that pain.

Sorry.. that probably didn't help much, lol. But really, the only advice I can say is.. TELL HIM THIS. Do NOT keep waiting around for him to talk to you, he's your father and God damnit he has a mother fucking obligation to write you back IMMEDIATLY? FOUR YEARS? I'd probably never talk to my father ever again. I know you love him, which is why you can't just say "go away ass hole." Because I understand your need to have him see your children. My father has had cancer since I was 8 and currently has 2 brain tumors and the doctors say operation is too risky, but the cure is worse than the disease.. so at this point, it looks as though my father won't see me get married or have children.

My past with my father is what makes me so angry with yours. In this life, time is so limited.. I know that when it comes down to it, that's all my father would want. What if something happens and there is no goodbye?

So that's why I think it's time to stop dicking around, tell your father HE needs to stop dicking around and BEING a father, cut the bull shit words and speak with actions. If he wants you in his life, then don't just send a quick email every 4 years. To hell with your mom is what he should say. Yes you will always love your mother, but having a father is essential to growing up and honestly if your mother loves you, she'll respect that. Don't worry so much about pleasing ANYONE but YOURSELF. So call your dad or send him an email, even a text message for Christ's sakes and say "Dad. You've bearly been in my life and that has caused pain you can never begin to understand. You can't change the past, but you have the rest of our lives to change the pattern. If you love me, you won't wait 4 years to talk to me, no matter WHAT circumstance." Or something to that effect.

Stop cutting your father slack because in your mind you want him to be perfect, and stop putting him on a pedastol because he's OBVIOUSLY not. I think if you want to hug your father instead of your teddy bear, you need to just be forward and honest. What have you got to lose?

Sorry if this came off a bit too direct, but I hope my words will.. somehow, set in.

[ashton12.livejournal.com]

PS- your writing is some of the best out there. Keep up the great work, it seems like anyone would be crazy to not want you in their life (:

[vagarical.livejournal.com]

Awh *hug* definitely don't apologise for "taking up my post", I don't mind you sharing at all! Wasn't looking for anything specific from people, needed to rant so if people want to vent a bit on here that's fine with me. :)

I'm glad you still have your grandfather! I was very close to my own grandfather as well, but sadly he passed away when I was 14. I still miss him lots and every major thing that happens in my life I always wish he could actually be there. But I hope at least there might be something after death so he can see me grow up even if he can't be there in the real sense....

Anyway yes, I can understand your feeling that your grandfather should be the one to walk you down the aisle. I know if my grandfather was still around, he would be the one I would want there. As it stands I have no idea who I would chose. :S I think we would have to be untratioal and have my mother walk me down and give me away haha.

[vagarical.livejournal.com]

Lol, thanks for the offer to give him a piece of your mind! Believe me, I'm about to just do that myself. Getting far too ridiculous for me not to say something...

Distraction is fine. I almost prefer that tbh, it's normally my own approach when people vent too, trying to make people feel better with mere words never really seems enough. :/

I have to say, LMAOed big time at the Scissor Sisters thing. It reminded me of this fanvid I saw where Zac started talking about soomeones hair (I think he asked if she just had her hair done iirc) saying how good it looked and then he did this big flamer impression being all like "oh it looks SO great" and the only thing I can think watching it is "dude he does that way too well". Seriously, that guy is a major flamer hiding in the closet and he needs to take his own advice and just shout it out already. ^^

It always amuses me how everyone thinks Taylor is gay and few people ever point that finger at Zac. Just I don't know... there is something about him that makes me think he is possibly more so than Taylor. I normally have a pretty good gaydar, but hey, maybe it's malfunctioning a bit. (Gaydars are confused by people who are gay only for their brother, generally ;)).

And thanks for the few wise words! Too true that one should be careful not to take love for granted. Something I have learnt the hard way and definitely will never make a mistake of doing again...

[vagarical.livejournal.com]

Nothing to be sorry about on any count... I'm gonna say, truly, I never post anything in my journal unless I'm prepared to getting all sorts of responses to it.

Anyway, nothing you said was harsh either way. What you said about never knowing if something happens, that's something I have thought many a time. And one of those things that upset me. I mean he's sort of in my life now and I wish he would make the final push to be there properly before it's too late.

And you know what? What upsets me is that he knows EXACTLY how I feel. 4 years ago, me and my now ex were planning on having a baby. And I told my father exactly how happy I was at the prospect at him being there for it and still he ended up failing at making contact for years. Sure, we didn't have a child and things ended up getting rocky end ended, but my father didn't know any of that and for all he knows he could be a grandfather by now.

Mh, thanks, now you got me to rile myself up haha. Seeing as he thought it was fine not to email me back for a week, I think I shall send him an email to ask him wth is going on and lay it out to him.

You know, I can appreciate that not having been there the first 14 years means our relationship needs to be worked on. But I wonder if he even realizes that it's a two way thing...

Thanks for your comment! I think it was helpful. Feel free to be honest anytime you comment on my posts, I have been very active on the net long enough to not take offense easily hehe.

[vagarical.livejournal.com]

Hugs are always good!

You know I got this quote the other day:

"You can't wrap love in a box, but you can wrap a person in a hug."

Truth. :)

[vagarical.livejournal.com]

Thanks! :) Yes I do think he tries a bit, maybe not as hard as I'd like but he writes now and then so that's a start heh.

I sort of understand too if it's hard to know how to express things, I mean he wasn't there for the first 14 years of my life and I'm sure he had his image of who I am just like I had him built up in my head and I probably amn't like he imagined either. But if we ever want to get to know eachother we need to communicate a bit more. :P

Your comment made me realize that maybe I give up too easily and shouldn't be afraid to be more persistent in writing him to make it clear that I want the contact. I get discouraged way too easily... weakness of mine.

And yeah, it's not a nice situation but most of it is in the past now, it's not even the full story but you know what? it's amazing what the human mind can deal with. And it's not like there are not people who have got through things that are so much worse.

Thanks for your comment!

[vagarical.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :) Yes hopefully we'll be on the same page at some stage.

Wow at your mum's stepdad taking care of 6 kids that weren't his - that is a real dad indead. You know I once read this quote: "Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a daddy." Sort of reminded me of that. :)

[ashton12.livejournal.com]

I just saw this, and I'd like to say I'm really glad my comment helped. Your story was really touching and I wanted to be encouragingly firm in my response, haha. I'd really like to know how things turn out!!!! If you want send me a PM, comment back, whatever... but I really want to know if/how things turn out for you.

I really hope you the best (:

[tearingitdown3.livejournal.com]

You're welcome:) I hope so too.

I sure thought so. He didn't have to take care of them. But,he did cause he loved them as if they were his own. I like that quote. It fits:)