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armanyaYes. I'm sorry that I stick some of these into an otherwise non- real life journal but... this one is about my father and this is pretty much the only place I post stuff where I can ensure he won't see it. I also have a few people in my friends list here that I really do concider my friends... but I'm not forcing anyone to read this. I really just need to vent. It gets quite personal. If you are not interested or would feel uncomfortable reading personal stuff about me then ignore it. If you want to read you're free to. I don't mind really, it's not like anything I'm about to say is a secret I just think parts might be hurtful to people close to me and this journal is just somewhere my family won't read it. It's a ramble that may not might much sense, I'm not interested in making sense, I just want to vent muchly!
So... here's the thing. I heard from my father again a few days back. He actually decided to send me a nice little email. This mightn't seem strange so if anyone that doesn't know stuff about my life reads this... let me explain the situation. My father left before my first birthday - or well, he cheated on my mum he found out and wasn't interested in trying to patch things up and threw him out. My father remained around for only a couple of months before he declared that he didn't want to "be a weekend dad". I had no contact with my father until I was 14 - there weren't even any photographs of him around. The reuniting was sort of accidental. My mother had got a job in Ireland and we were moving. I did not have a passport. Because she never legally had sole custody of me she needed my father to cosign for one. My mother and sister went ahead to Ireland and left me behind with my Uncle's family. His wife took charge of trying to track down my father, eventually succeeded and... well, left him an answer machine message. And somehow he just happened to be in the neighbourhood for work the next day and stopped by - having basolutely no clue that apart from having the passport papers that needed signing she also had me staying there and... yeah. :)
Meeting my father again is probably the most important moment in my life. I spent almost a whole week together with my father - he just came and picked me up every day and we went on little trips. I found that we have surprisingly much in common... I have always been close to my mum but we have our issues that started to become evident at this time due to having really different personalities... and I sort of found that the things I always felt she couldn't relate to my father could! And it was as you can imagine all sorts of wonderful.
Let me say one thing here - and this is where I shall be very personal for a few sentences. When I was 4 my mother met my stepfather (my little sister's dad)... they moved in together soon after and until I was 7 I HAD a father. For some reason when my little sister was born, he started being abusive towards me (and my mother after a few years - though I'm not sure if he always was and I just never realized until I was a bit older). I spent a lot of nights the next 7 years crying myself to sleep with the strict belief that if my father had been there he wouldn't have let it happen... and generally wishing that he would come and save me. Having no pictures of him, hearing no stories about him, I imagined him to be absolutely perfect... I think this is partly why when I finally met him again everything did actually seem perfect.
Anyway, I moved to Ireland. He promised to keep in touch. He promised to come visit me. I got some letters, I wrote some letters then.... nothing. He sent me a birthday card on my 18th birthday. (no gift, just a card). We wrote fora while. It stopped again. I sort of heard from him maybe once or twice a year. I visited Sweden with a friend when I was 19 and we met up again and... yes, everything was so wonderful. I have this feeling when I talk with him that he is the one person in the world that truly gets me. (And I am really close to my mum, my sister and one or two friends but I never really felt like anyone really understood me...). I still feel like that. I still amn't sure if that is the case or if I just still idolize him due to building him up in my head for so many years.
Prior to this week, I hand't heard from him in almost 4 years. I did write him an email at one stage - I sort of want to keep the contact up. I really do. Every time we talk he tells me how much he misses me. He has written about me in his blog a few times. (Mostly to show off my poetry and generally playing at being proud father.) I am totally alright with giving him a second chance - I know he didn't leave because he didn't want to see me... I mean I've grown up with my mother I know she can be insanely difficult and I really don't know fully what happened between them but my mother pretty much admitted she never wanted to see him again so... yeah. I don't blame him. I want (even need) him in my life AND more importantly, I want him to be around when/if I have children of my own. I think I romantizise it in my head but I sort of feel like when I have children and he gets to be their grandfather... that will sort of make up for his lack of being around when I was a child. Seeing him with my children is... just something I really want to happen. And if I ever should get married I really want him to be there too (though this might be difficult because of how my mother is, I really don't know if she would even show up if I invited him... not joking!).
Anyway, yes, back to the first point after that huge ramble. My father's email was short and sweet. He apologized for not writing for so long, said he had been through a "bad period" (I know he had a house fire and apparently lost his job so this isn't so weird...), he said he missed me, he said he would write me again the following day. My inner little girl was totally excited and wrote him back right away, a similar short note but updating him on my life atm... I was also on my way out but I just wanted to make sure he knew I got the email.
And now... nothing. I check my mail several times a day and just feel... so disappointed. I sort of feel like I'm still the little girl crying herself to sleep who needs her father to protect her. I really do. And every time I stop hearing from him I just feel... I don't even know. Empty?
I know it's only been a few days and maybe something came up. But he has been online cause he has updated his blog so... I just jave this feeling I won't hear from him for ages yet AGAIN. I don't even know if it's worth setting myself up for disappointment every time I hear from him. I don't even know why I keep holding on to the hope that he will finally actually make a real effort at keeping in contact. When we do talk I really feel like he genuinely wants to be part of my life. I just don't understand why he can't follow through.
And apart from disappointment... it just keeps dragging up buried bad memories from my childhood that I would rather never think about again. :/
Mmmm... that's about it. *sigh* I'm gonna go hide underneath the covers with my teddy bear and cry now...
So... here's the thing. I heard from my father again a few days back. He actually decided to send me a nice little email. This mightn't seem strange so if anyone that doesn't know stuff about my life reads this... let me explain the situation. My father left before my first birthday - or well, he cheated on my mum he found out and wasn't interested in trying to patch things up and threw him out. My father remained around for only a couple of months before he declared that he didn't want to "be a weekend dad". I had no contact with my father until I was 14 - there weren't even any photographs of him around. The reuniting was sort of accidental. My mother had got a job in Ireland and we were moving. I did not have a passport. Because she never legally had sole custody of me she needed my father to cosign for one. My mother and sister went ahead to Ireland and left me behind with my Uncle's family. His wife took charge of trying to track down my father, eventually succeeded and... well, left him an answer machine message. And somehow he just happened to be in the neighbourhood for work the next day and stopped by - having basolutely no clue that apart from having the passport papers that needed signing she also had me staying there and... yeah. :)
Meeting my father again is probably the most important moment in my life. I spent almost a whole week together with my father - he just came and picked me up every day and we went on little trips. I found that we have surprisingly much in common... I have always been close to my mum but we have our issues that started to become evident at this time due to having really different personalities... and I sort of found that the things I always felt she couldn't relate to my father could! And it was as you can imagine all sorts of wonderful.
Let me say one thing here - and this is where I shall be very personal for a few sentences. When I was 4 my mother met my stepfather (my little sister's dad)... they moved in together soon after and until I was 7 I HAD a father. For some reason when my little sister was born, he started being abusive towards me (and my mother after a few years - though I'm not sure if he always was and I just never realized until I was a bit older). I spent a lot of nights the next 7 years crying myself to sleep with the strict belief that if my father had been there he wouldn't have let it happen... and generally wishing that he would come and save me. Having no pictures of him, hearing no stories about him, I imagined him to be absolutely perfect... I think this is partly why when I finally met him again everything did actually seem perfect.
Anyway, I moved to Ireland. He promised to keep in touch. He promised to come visit me. I got some letters, I wrote some letters then.... nothing. He sent me a birthday card on my 18th birthday. (no gift, just a card). We wrote fora while. It stopped again. I sort of heard from him maybe once or twice a year. I visited Sweden with a friend when I was 19 and we met up again and... yes, everything was so wonderful. I have this feeling when I talk with him that he is the one person in the world that truly gets me. (And I am really close to my mum, my sister and one or two friends but I never really felt like anyone really understood me...). I still feel like that. I still amn't sure if that is the case or if I just still idolize him due to building him up in my head for so many years.
Prior to this week, I hand't heard from him in almost 4 years. I did write him an email at one stage - I sort of want to keep the contact up. I really do. Every time we talk he tells me how much he misses me. He has written about me in his blog a few times. (Mostly to show off my poetry and generally playing at being proud father.) I am totally alright with giving him a second chance - I know he didn't leave because he didn't want to see me... I mean I've grown up with my mother I know she can be insanely difficult and I really don't know fully what happened between them but my mother pretty much admitted she never wanted to see him again so... yeah. I don't blame him. I want (even need) him in my life AND more importantly, I want him to be around when/if I have children of my own. I think I romantizise it in my head but I sort of feel like when I have children and he gets to be their grandfather... that will sort of make up for his lack of being around when I was a child. Seeing him with my children is... just something I really want to happen. And if I ever should get married I really want him to be there too (though this might be difficult because of how my mother is, I really don't know if she would even show up if I invited him... not joking!).
Anyway, yes, back to the first point after that huge ramble. My father's email was short and sweet. He apologized for not writing for so long, said he had been through a "bad period" (I know he had a house fire and apparently lost his job so this isn't so weird...), he said he missed me, he said he would write me again the following day. My inner little girl was totally excited and wrote him back right away, a similar short note but updating him on my life atm... I was also on my way out but I just wanted to make sure he knew I got the email.
And now... nothing. I check my mail several times a day and just feel... so disappointed. I sort of feel like I'm still the little girl crying herself to sleep who needs her father to protect her. I really do. And every time I stop hearing from him I just feel... I don't even know. Empty?
I know it's only been a few days and maybe something came up. But he has been online cause he has updated his blog so... I just jave this feeling I won't hear from him for ages yet AGAIN. I don't even know if it's worth setting myself up for disappointment every time I hear from him. I don't even know why I keep holding on to the hope that he will finally actually make a real effort at keeping in contact. When we do talk I really feel like he genuinely wants to be part of my life. I just don't understand why he can't follow through.
And apart from disappointment... it just keeps dragging up buried bad memories from my childhood that I would rather never think about again. :/
Mmmm... that's about it. *sigh* I'm gonna go hide underneath the covers with my teddy bear and cry now...
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Date: 2010-08-13 02:46 am (UTC)I really hope you the best (: