The Ghost of You and Me - Chapter 2
Sep. 17th, 2010 02:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
armanya
Chapter: 2/?
Author: Nikki (
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif){kind=small}
vagarical )Fandom: Hanson
Genre: Hancest / AU
Pairing: Zaylor
Rating: NC-17 (Chapter Rating: PG-13)
Warning: The story will deal with drugs, violence, abuse, non-con and suicidal themes (Chapter Warning: Language)
POV: Zac
Word Count: 2513
Chapter Excerpt: And as his dull eyes locked onto my own, I knew that he had suffered more than I could ever imagine, and I knew that it was all because of me.
Author’s Note: Thanks to
0htheirony for being patient with my ramblings about this story / questions about how things work in America. I really appreciate the help. <3
I dreamt about Taylor that night. It was the same dream I had been having regularly for years now, focusing on that one moment five years ago when I lost him. It mixed the reality of what had happened, our eyes meeting as the verdict came, before he was led away, and that horrible moment of realization that our parents had lied to me. In real life, he had been too far away for me to hear him say anything, and he had not even mouthed anything to me, but in my dreams his voice always echoed in my head, asking me why I had betrayed him.
That night, the dream was the same, apart from one major difference. It was no longer the still somewhat carefree Taylor of five years ago that announced my betrayal. Instead, it was the Taylor I had met that day, all life less and grey with his messy hair and frayed clothes. And as his dull eyes locked onto my own, I knew that he had suffered more than I could ever imagine, and I knew that it was all because of me.
I woke up on a moist pillow with tears still fresh on my cheeks, some even having made their way into my ears. And I felt so helpless as I realized that it was probable that I would never be able to make it all up to him. I knew that I had to try, as much for his own sanity as for mine. I couldn’t let him go through his life thinking that he had actually hurt me enough for me to want him gone – and it had been clear to me when he promised me my privacy yesterday that this was exactly what he believed.
I really wanted to stay in bed a bit longer, not because I was tired, but because I could smell coffee and knew that when I got up and went downstairs, he would probably be there. I suddenly wished I had not stayed in his house, not because I didn’t want to see him, but because I felt so ill prepared for this. I had never been a morning person, and I was suddenly scared that in my semi-sleepwalking state I would inadvertently say or do things that he might misread, that I would accidentally hurt him. Again.
But I got up anyway, spending more time deciding what to wear than I should considering I had only brought two pairs of jeans, five shirts and a hoodie, unsure if I was only doing it to stall or if I was actually worrying about how I would look when he saw me. It was most probably a mix of both those options. I combed through my hair, suddenly wishing I had let it grow longer instead of cutting it. I didn’t like my hair short. It made me look so boyish. But my mother had insisted I cut it for a family friend’s wedding, so I did, just to keep her happy. I didn’t need to give her another reason to tell me how much I shamed her.
Taylor smiled at me when I finally made my way into the kitchen, which I instantly noticed that he had cleaned since the day before. Despite the nervous churning of my stomach, I couldn’t help but smile back. Even though his smile was slightly strained and didn’t reach his eyes like it used too, it was still beautiful, still infectious. He looked better than the night before, his hair was clean and pulled into a pony, and he was wearing blue jeans and a black sweater that actually looked like they were new. I’m not sure if this improvement was good, despite the fact that I was glad to see him making an effort I was becoming acutely aware of the fact that he was still so beautiful, and I was still very much attracted to him.
“Don’t have much food I’m afraid, didn’t expect company, but do you want a poptart? I would have gone shopping but I didn’t want to leave before you woke up.” He was still smiling and gesturing for me to sit at the table as he spoke.
I’m ashamed to admit it, but as I sat down on one of the chairs I was already forgetting about my nervousness, hell I was almost forgetting that I had ever hurt him and that we had ever been apart. He just made it that easy, even if I could still tell there was pain hiding in his eyes as they met mine, there was something about him that would make anyone feel at ease in his presence. There always had been. That’s why all the girls (and some boys) had loved him even before we made it big, and why he had so naturally became somewhat of a front man of our band even though we had always said we didn’t have one.
“Poptart?” he asked again, holding up the box for me to see, and I felt myself blush as I realized that I had gotten lost in thought. Thoughts that I was glad he had pulled me out of because thinking about the band and why it had ended was always sure to make me emotional.
“Yes please.” I wanted to add something witty about how I wouldn’t starve because there was no food, but I was still only semi-awake and despite being at ease I didn’t want to risk saying something that made him think I was an idiot.
“Your car is safe by the way, I checked on it when I woke up,” he said as he put the poptarts in the toaster, and I blushed again because I realized it had been stupid to ask him if my car would be safe during the night.
“Oh okay, I wasn’t really worried you know.” I had really been worried, of course, but I also realized that I had basically said he lived in a bad neighborhood. Which was true, in fact this city just had bad rep and when I first had gotten the email with his address I was sure they had the wrong guy, but I doubted he needed me to turn my nose up at the place he was living right now. Especially not when I was the reason he was living here in the first place, more or less.
“Yes you were,” he chuckled as he put the poptarts on plates and came over to put mine in front of me. “And I don’t blame you, I would have been worried too if I had lived in Tulsa all my life.”
I frowned at him, not sure if underneath the level voice that didn’t betray any emotion he was actually poking fun at me, or even being bitter. I was quite sure it might have been the latter as I met his eyes, but as soon as I thought I had spotted the emotion it was gone and replaced by that not quite genuine smile he had reserved for me since the night before.
“Coffee?” He walked back over to the counter, finding two mugs and pouring coffee into one before turning to me for my answer.
“No thank you, I don’t like coffee.” I heard the bitterness in my own voice, and I was sure I was still frowning. I didn’t want to be mad at him, but suddenly I was just incredibly frustrated with him and his small talk and his fake smile that made it seem like he thought I still was a silly child that he was just humoring.
“Oh. Well how about…” he paused as he opened the fridge to see what he had, “juice?”
“Juice is fine.”
I sighed softly in frustration. I knew it had been naïve of me to ever believe we would be able to salvage any of our relationship again, and suddenly my anger shifted from him towards myself. I felt like such a fool for coming here, for expecting him to ever be able to forgive me for ruining his life. I knew I should probably leave, but I was selfish and I just wanted a little more time with him. Besides I was worried about him and maybe I was being even more naïve when I promptly convinced myself that my being there might actually help him.
He came and sat opposite me at the table, cradling the coffee mug in his hand. He didn’t say anything else, but he studied me so intently that I found it necessary to busy myself with picking at the icing of my pop-tart. It was the first time since I arrived that he really looked at me, and it made me more self conscious than I had ever been in my life. I knew I had changed a whole lot since he had seen me last, and I really wanted him to like what he saw but I somehow felt convinced that he would not.
“You have grown so much.” His voice was quiet, tinged with what sounded like regret, and I chanced looking up at him.
It sounds cliché, but it really felt as if time stood still when our eyes met. It was regret he was feeling, I could tell it easily, and I’m sure my face mirrored his emotion quite well. I felt that connect, the one I have never felt with anyone else in my life, not even any of my other siblings, where it was like we could communicate just by looking at each other. We communicated our mutual regret, our mutual sadness at how things had ended and how we had grown so far apart – we probably didn’t have the same reasons for regretting it, we probably both blamed ourselves more than the other, but we definitely both felt the same and we definitely were both sorry and wished we could go back and change it.
“Your nose is still crooked.” He smiled sadly, and my eyes followed his hand as he reached out, going cross-eyed so that I saw his fingers double as they made contact with the tip of my nose.
A shudder, the good kind of shudder ran through me as his fingers brushed my skin. It was only slight contact, barely enough to feel the heat from his hand, but dammit it had been 5 years since we had had physical contact of any kind and until that moment I hadn’t realized quite how much I missed it. I raised my own hand to his, wanting desperately to pull it closer, to press my face into his hand so I could feel his warmth and smell him and just know that everything would be alright like I always used to when I had him close.
But the moment my hand touched his he drew his back, so quickly that it almost seemed like I had burned him, and his face contorted into a frown as his panicked eyes darted across my face.
“I- I’m sorry,” he stammered, looking so much like a child who had just been caught doing something very bad that it was obvious that he was not referring to the fact that he had been the one that had accidentally broken my nose back in the days when we were merely innocent children.
“Don’t be. It was not your fault.” I stressed my words, locking my gaze with his again, hoping that he could somehow believe me. I wanted so badly to reach out and take his hand, which he had dropped onto the table beside his mug, but I could tell he wasn’t ready for it and that it wouldn’t help him believe me.
Oh how I wished we could go back in time, no matter how pointless it is to wish those things. How I hated my parents right then, so much more than I had even when I realized their betrayal initially, for making me the instrument of his demise. I wondered briefly if this was how Judas had felt for betraying Jesus, and I wished I had had someone to berate me for what I had done, instead of being forced to carry my guilt while everyone treated me like I was the victim.
“Do you want me to leave?” My voice sounded so small as I said it, and it cracked a bit on the last word, and I hated myself for sounding like I was trying to manipulate him, when really I was more sad for him than for myself.
He sighed, looking at me from over the rim of his mug as he sipped his coffee. He seemed to weight his answer while I wrestled to control my feelings so I could meet his eyes confidently and repeat the question without sounding like my world would end if he told me to leave.
“Seriously. I could leave my phone number or my address if you change your mind, but if you want me to leave, it’s no big deal.”
Of course it was a big deal, but I hoped he would think that I was really telling the truth so he wouldn’t feel guilty for wanting me to go. Though if he did send me away, which I was sure he would, I hoped that he would at least take my phone number, and I hoped that maybe someday he would be in a good enough place to get in touch again.
“No Zac, you don’t have to leave.” He shook his head, and I looked at him with, I’m sure, surprise clear on my face, even as relief flooded through my body.
I nodded, trying to smile, not really sure what to say to him, not even sure if I could talk. I should maybe just have said thank you or something along those lines, but it sounded so stupid. Especially since thanking him would imply that he let me stay to do me a favor, which I was quite sure was far from the case.
“Just… I need some time alright? I want you here, I really do, and I want to talk about it and I want to sort things out, but until yesterday I thought I would never see you again so I really just need to sort this in my head.”
“Of course.” I nodded again, I understood, I really did, even though I had been preparing to see him again for months now, when I had seen him yesterday I had forgotten all of the possible scenarios I had prepared in my head. I didn’t think that any of them had even been close to what had actually happened either way though, so it most likely didn't matter.
“Ok. I’m gonna head to the supermarket so I have something to feed you with while you’re here.” His voice had lost the hint of sadness again, and he looked confident enough as he stood to bring the dishes in to the sink that it would probably have fooled mostly anyone but me. I wondered when he had become such a good actor.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-09-17 01:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-17 10:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-17 01:54 am (UTC)I love this story and yet it is so hard to read. You can just feel the distance, the wedge that's worked it's way between them due to whatever the incident was and of course, time spent apart.
I think Zac is somewhat naive and hoping of a little easier reunion but Taylor seems a broken man and he won't heal as easily.
God what happened to them? :(
no subject
Date: 2010-09-17 10:22 am (UTC)I'm glad the distance is apparent though, it's sort of hard to write it and still be a little vague with how it happened... but I didn't want to just start listing everything that happened right off the bat lol.
Next chapter the past will start being revealed and hopefully bits of what happened will start making more sense. :)
no subject
Date: 2010-09-17 08:59 pm (UTC)Aaaanyway I'm glad you're enjoying talking about it cause you're very helpful so I probably won't stop running ideas by you till it's over! And I'm so excited about the plot too, I think it's probably the most excited I've been about a story ever lol.
The thought of that verdict scene... and the whole trial just makes me so sad. Writing more about me is probably gonna kill me. :X I mean I am writing it, but it almost makes me sick to explore how both of them would have felt, I mean yeah Taylor felt betroyed by Zac but Zac also suddenly realized that his parents had tricked him and... yeah. Such a terrible moment in time. :/ Buuuut I am obviously gonna write about it anyway!
And I wish it was a movie. I wish that with a lot of stories. It's easier to represent stuff in a movie!
I loved the crosseyed touch too lol. I know I wrote it but it was just one of those little things that came to me randomply and I really liked. Maybe that's a bit selfloving... oh well.
It's a sad thing to admit, but I love hopeless Taylor crying himself to sleep too.... :X Only in fiction though, obviously I want RL Taylor to be happy lol!
Ok this was a rambly response. >< I'm just so excited for this fic myself that I can't stop rambling about it!
no subject
Date: 2010-09-17 03:51 pm (UTC)A shudder, the good kind of shudder ran through me as his fingers brushed my skin. It was only slight contact, barely enough to feel the heat from his hand, but dammit it had been 5 years since we had had physical contact of any kind and until that moment I hadn’t realized quite how much I missed it. I raised my own hand to his, wanting desperately to pull it closer, to press my face into his hand so I could feel his warmth and smell him and just know that everything would be alright like I always used to when I had him close.
But then just after, Taylor completely breaks my heart:
But the moment my hand touched his he drew his back, so quickly that it almost seemed like I had burned him, and his face contorted into a frown as his panicked eyes darted across my face.
“I- I’m sorry,” he stammered, looking so much like a child who had just been caught doing something very bad that it was obvious that he was not referring to the fact that he had been the one that had accidentally broken my nose back in the days when we were merely innocent children.
I love Taylor's character in this, just needed to point this out even though you knew it already! :P But I'm also very curious about Zac's reactions. I actually like this is told from Zac's POV so far.
no subject
Date: 2010-09-17 08:38 pm (UTC)There will be some Taylor POV later on, but for now Zac's POV is keeping some suspense for everyone, ey! :D
no subject
Date: 2010-09-17 07:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-17 10:35 pm (UTC)At the beginning when Zac was describing his dream, it really got to me. How awful that entire situation must have been for them. It kills me to think about.
I love the fact that Taylor's cleaning and dressing better because Zac's there, it's just so cute that he's making an effort! <3
Also, the whole paragraph where Taylor touches Zac-his reaction to it was so ADORABLE! <3 And so real. It kinda made my heart race to think of them touching for the first time after so long. And Taylor going on about how much Zac grew up! <3 I'm in love!
I'm really looking forward to the time coming when the smile on Taylor's face will be a genuine one, and when they can talk to each other about anything that's on their minds. I know that'll probably be a long time coming, but I can't wait to read about the journey it takes to get them to that point. :D
LOVE this! It's one of my favorite stories, and we're only two chapters in. <333333333333333333
no subject
Date: 2010-09-17 10:56 pm (UTC)Yeah, stuff was definitely awful for them... there is gonna be lots more flashbacks and stuff from the past revealed and... well, I guess it's far to warn you, it does get worse before it gets better. :X
Tbh I'm not even sure if they are gonna get to the happy phase by the end of thise story. There will be a second story following on from there though where stuff gets better.
And gosh, the idea of Zaylor getting to touch again after years apart always gets to me SO MUCH! I can just imagine the need and the tension and all the emotions and it gets to me so badly.
Awh glad you are liking the story. <3 Hopefully it'll still be one of the best once stuff start happening lol.
no subject
Date: 2010-09-18 01:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-17 10:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-17 10:59 pm (UTC)I'm feeling lots better though, thanks. :)
no subject
Date: 2010-09-20 05:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-09-20 10:04 am (UTC)